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A tour-de-force. A harrowing comic masterpiece. A timely novel that transcends the times. An instant American classic. This is what critics are not saying about Bradley Sands' latest magnum opus, Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel.A novel in three parts, Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel is the story of one boy detective, the worst ninja in the world, anA tour-de-force. A harrowing comic masterpiece. A timely novel that transcends the times. An instant American classic. This is what critics are not saying about Bradley Sands' latest magnum opus, Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel.A novel in three parts, Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel is the story of one boy detective, the worst ninja in the world, and the great American fast food wars. It is a novel of loss, destruction, and-incredibly-genuine hope.Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel contains three classic Bradley Sands novellas: "Frankie Nougat and the Missing Heart," "Cheesequake Smash-Up," and "Apocalypse Ninja."Praise for the book:"And, though brilliant and vastly intelligent, it should also be noted that Bradley Sands is a dick." - CRACKED.COM"Bradley Sands has succeeded where all other novelists have failed: he has written the Great American Novel. Martin Amis came close to beating him to the punch a few years ago, but he accidentally wrote his novel on the wrong body of land and has been crying like a little girl ever since. If you have any compassion in your heart, end Martin Amis's sorrow with the joy of Sands's brilliant American prose. But be sure to read Please Do Not Shoot Me In the Face before giving it away forever--Amis has never returned a book in his life." -Bradley Sands, author of Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy "This is a book for anyone who has ever hated someone. This is a book for anyone who has ever wanted to break into someone's house while they were sleeping, wrap a book around your fist, and punch that asshole in the throat until they're dead. This is that kind of book." - Bradley Sands, author of Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You"In Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face, Bradley Sands uses literary sleight of hand to miraculously create a novel out of three novellas. The novella, "Apocalypse Ninja," achieves the grand feat of being the stupidest thing ever written. With shuriken-sharp writing, Sands fulfills mankind's greatest unconscious desire without even pooping his pants." - Bradley Sands, author of My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes!...

Title : Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel
Author :
Rating :
ISBN : 9781621050100
Format Type : Paperback
Number of Pages : 224 Pages
Status : Available For Download
Last checked : 21 Minutes ago!

Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel Reviews

  • Dan Schwent
    2019-07-12 08:14

    Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face is a collection of three novellas. Or is it a novel? That's what Bradley Sands has hired 7 year old detective Frankie Nougat to find out. As Nougat investigates the three stories within, will he find the theme of Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face or die in the attempt?Frankie Nougat and the Case of the Missing Heart: Frankie Nougat attempts to solve the case of why his parents are getting divorced. Grim hilarity ensues...Yeah, Frankie Nougat goes through some emotional turmoil while trying to find out why his parents are getting divorced. Memorable moments including using his dog for a gun and meeting his mom's new chair, a man named Bill.Cheesequake Smash-Up: In a battle for fast food dominance, McDonalds, Burger King, White Castle, and scores of other chains enter a building demolition derby. Gunning for a promotion, office worker Monty Catsin enters his employer, NGA, into the derby as well. Who will emerge as the sole provider of fast food in America?Cheesequake Smashup is mother-whoopieing hilarious. Combine an absurd office, complete with an octogenerian sexpot, a giant goldfish, a gorilla, and lots of mobile buildings smashing into one another, and a heaping helping of absurd humor and you've got a winner on your hands. I'd say Cheesquake Smashup was worth the price of admission on its own.Apocalypse Ninja: The worst ninja in the world tries to bring about the end of the world. Standing in his way are the worst pirates in the world.The final tale in this collection (or the final section of this novel?) was by far the most enjoyable. The grins per page rating was very high and there was a lot of action. Also, there was a song that I couldn't help but hum along with to the tune of You're the Best from The Karate Kid.So, is Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face a novel or a collection of novellas? Who cares? If the epilogue is any indication, it's going to be bigger than The Bible one day!

  • Marvin
    2019-07-19 15:03

    I was at the doctor's office."Well, Doc. It's like this. I have a headache the size of Baltimore, My nose runs like the winner of Kentucky Derby, My body is aching for the fjords and I have an irresistible desire to discuss Existentialism with Nietzsche's horse""What have you been reading lately, Marvin?"Oh, the usual The Great Gatsby, Ulysses, The Exesis of Philip K. Dick at one word a day, and unsolicited excerpts from Journey to Virginland".My doctor shook his head. He pulled out the rectal thermometer, looked at it and shook his head again. "It's quite obvious. You are having a bad case of taking yourself too seriously". He handed me a copy of Bradley Sand's Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face. "Read these three stories. One for each night then report to me on Thursday. Do not try to read more than one a night as it could have devastating consequences."I left fifteen minutes later, of which ten minutes of it was spent begging the doctor to put the rectal thermometer back in. When I got home I looked at the relatively thin book and thought, "Posh! (the Spice Girls were staying the night). I'm the only man who ever read Ouspensky's In Search of the Miraculous in one night and survive." So I began reading. Wait! This is actually three novellas. It's a novel. No, now the author says it isn't. I was getting confused. I soared through the first novella, a cute little Bizarro comedy called "Frankie Nougat and the Case of the Missing Heart". I found myself forgetting about Nietzsche's horse, probably just in time since the horse was changing into something more comfortable. Frankie is sad and funny and his dog is cute and makes a fair gun. Then I turned to "Cheesequake Smash-up" in which all the fast food franchises are involved in a destruction derby with floating buildings. Wait a minute. Is my house moving? I can no longer feel my toes. So I took a break and asked Posh Spice to feel my toes for me. Then I read "Apocalypse Ninja". OK already . The first two were funny but this was a blast. The world's worst ninja takes on the world's worst pirates. Bradley Sand writes like a maniac with a chainsaw and I'm liking it. But my body started to revolt. I was being pummeled by my own intestine totally unaware that I ripped off that line from a sci-fi novel written by the 2nd president of the United States. I've totally forgotten about Nietzsche's horse but the fantasy was replaced by visions of ninjas, floating McDonalds, and talking animals. I began to realize that writing like a Bizarro author is not as easy as it looks and should be left to the maniacs with a chainsaw.So I rushed back to the doctor and he told me to lay off Bizarro for a day ot two. Read something trashy like 50 Shades of Grey or Atlas Shrugged before tackling another Bradley Sands Bizarro fest. "By the way Doc, is it one novel or three novellas?""When you win the lotto do you ask if the bills are in 10s or 20s?""Good point" Actually it wasn't but he's the doc."One more thing, Doc. Why it is there a cauliflower growing out of my nose and whistling the Ode to Joy/"Doc shrugged his shoulders. "It's Bizarro."

  • Danger
    2019-06-30 08:06

    Nobody can do what Bradley Sands does. You’re going to read this book and you’re going to say to yourself, “This is just some schizo stream-of-consciousness nonsense. OF COURSE I can do this.”No you can’t.Because it’s not always the WHAT with Bradley Sands's work, but the HOW that makes it so interesting. His voice is truly unique. His ideas are genuinely bizarre. Together it is the peanut butter and jelly of weird fiction.The closest analog I can think to a Sands book would be something like the comic book Axe Cop, which is written by a hyperactive 9-year-old. Except Bradley knows how to be funny in addition to being surreal. And this shit is definitely rated R for language, content, and adult situations.Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face is a collection of 3 (unrelated) novellas that really really really wants to be a novel. All three novellas are pretty much the pinnacle of goofiness. There’s a wraparound meta story too in which Bradley Sands plays himself hiring the main character from the first novella, Frankie Nougat Boy Detective, to use his detectiving (detection? detectionary?) powers to figure out the overarching theme of Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face. It’s super weird and clever and really funny.Look, I don’t know what to tell you. This book might not be for everyone. I mean, you REALLY need to let yourself go and leave any pretension at the door if you want to enjoy it. Fans of Tolstoy might think it’s a bit inane. The rest of us will enjoy the hell out of it.

  • Douglas Hackle
    2019-07-19 13:50

    One of the three pieces included in this collection of novellas—or this “novel,” if you choose to believe the unreliable meta-Bradley Sands-narrator of the book—is called “Cheesequake Smash-Up.” I’d already read it prior to encountering it again here. As such, I was going to skip it and just read the other two novellas. (That massive, anxiety-inducing, ever-growing list of books I want to read before I die doesn’t permit much time for rereading anything—know what I'm sayin', Sam?) But “Cheesequake Smash-Up” has always been one of my favorite entries in the Bizarro Starter Kit series, so I said screw it, and I read it again. And lemme tell ya—it was even better the second time around, Sam.The other two novellas included in Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face, “Frankie Nougat and the Missing Heart” and "Apocalypse Ninja,” are equally awesome. Both are funny, absurd, ridiculous, zany, and fucking stupid, both scoring very high on the WTF?!? meter. My kinda stuff.Catch ya later, Sam.

  • Bradley
    2019-07-15 07:13

    Praise for Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel:"Bradley Sands has succeeded where all other novelists have failed: he has written the Great American Novel. Martin Amis came close to beating him to the punch a few years ago, but he accidentally wrote his novel on the wrong body of land and has been crying like a little girl ever since. If you have any compassion in your heart, end Martin Amis's sorrow with the joy of Sands's brilliant American prose. But be sure to read Please Do Not Shoot Me In the Face before giving it away forever--Amis has never returned a book in his life." - Bradley Sands, author of Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy "This is a book for anyone who has ever hated someone. This is a book for anyone who has ever wanted to break into someone's house while they were sleeping, wrap a book around your fist, and punch that asshole in the throat until they're dead. This is that kind of book." - Bradley Sands, author of Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You"In Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face, Bradley Sands uses literary sleight of hand to miraculously create a novel out of three novellas. The novella, "Apocalypse Ninja," achieves the grand feat of being the stupidest thing ever written. With shuriken-sharp writing, Sands fulfills mankind's greatest unconscious desire without even pooping his pants." - Bradley Sands, author of My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes!

  • Donald Armfield
    2019-07-08 13:00

    Please Don't Shoot Me In The Face is bigger than the Bible, the best book you'll ever read and that's quote from Little Boy Detective Frankie Nougat.Bradley Sands ask us to read this novel, that wants to be a novel and find the theme. Or heck with it and have some laughs. From the case of the missing heart to the Cheesequake Smash-Up and ending the novel (or is it?) with the bizarre story of Apocalypse Ninja you will remember the bizarro man himself Bradley' Sands.Overall my favorite part of Novel, or my most favorite of the three novellas is cheesequake smash-up. A video game like no other with a cast of characters from hit TV show The Office, but with a Mr. Sands dialogue and description.

  • Amy
    2019-07-18 15:00

    Bradley, I feared there would be no giraffe reference in this book, but was greatly relieved when I reached the Epilogue.

  • Mike Perry
    2019-07-04 09:08

    Didn't know what to think when I first started, but I ended up enjoying it.

  • Jay Slayton-Joslin
    2019-06-25 07:08

    After reading this book I have decided not to shoot Bradley Sands in the face.

  • Zack
    2019-06-21 08:19

    http://www.examiner.com/books-in-denv...

  • John Gibbons
    2019-07-08 15:03

    Loved this book. Cheesequake was my fav followed by Apocalypse Ninja. Bradley Sands is one of my new literary heroes. Perfect blend of absurd humor and surrealism.